Most people I know find intimate relationships the most challenging element of their life. Not only finding one to have, but then sustaining it. Failed relationships were actually probably the key thing that led me towards becoming a therapist, because they caused me to try to understand myself better – and I realised you can only really do that by learning to understand others.
I’ve worked with many couples who wanted to make their relationship work. Some have stayed together as a result of seeing me, some haven’t. The work I do isn’t aimed at keeping people together, it’s about removing any obstacles from doing so, so you can make that happen, or helping the couple to realise there is no future together and moving on healthily to the next relationship with the minimum of damage.
Overwhelmingly what I’ve learned is that most couples don’t separate because they don’t love each other; they separate because they don’t understand each other. Part of the work I do with couples is educational – there are layers of psychological difference that lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Once people recognise what they are they can use them to create incredible intimacy – and it doesn’t take long. I also help both people in the relationship look at what personal issues are contributing to the difficulty, and help to resolve them. The better relationship you have with yourself the better relationships you tend to create with others.
For those of you struggling in a present relationship I offer what I call Project You2, a powerful programme that will help you learn what you need to about yourself and your partner that can transform your relationship – and help you remove any personal stuff that gets in your way. As my Grandad used to say (about everything), “It’s not meant to be easy, just possible.” That is certainly true of relationships. If the two of you are committed to finding if you can make your relationship work, I‘d love to meet you. If one of you just wants to come to stop people thinking it was your fault, I wouldn’t – get out of your partner’s way so they can find someone who loves them.
My ideas about relationships and what makes them work has been used by Friends Reunited dating to launch a new dating website called Swoon. Instead of the usual compatibility matching that most dating sites use, we trust that people can find who they’re attracted to – it’s when you approach them that the problems can start. We help by educating you about yourself. You’ll learn some things about you that will explain an awful lot about the way you are in relationships – and how to make that work for you. We then give you some insights into the people you are attracted to that will help you both get off to the best possible start and then build a unique relationship that works for both of you.
Whether you’re looking for love, or looking to keep the love you have, this can help.